Authentically Adele

A few days back, I wrote about the importance of dealing with our pain. It is crucial to understand that we all handle it differently, in our unique ways and timeframes. So, don’t lose your patience, whether it’s with yourself or someone else, just because the healing process doesn’t happen as fast as others might suggest. We all take our own time to heal.

Even though we all have our own methods of dealing with pain, one crucial thing we should never forget is to be careful when processing our pain not to hurt others. Let me use myself as an example. 

I told my husband the other that once I am in a better place (mentally and emotionally), I would like to talk to my particular family member and let them know everything. How much their words hurt me, even though it was over 12 years ago. I would let them know how I felt and how I have healed… And I thought this was really a big step in my healing journey. But then my husband asked, “Would that do you and them any good?” I knew it would do me good because I thought I couldn’t stand up for myself back then, but I can do it now. He responded, “Be careful while processing your pain; you don’t hurt others, even those who hurt you in the first place.”

Suddenly, the phrase rang like alarming bells, “Hurting people, hurt people.” I never knew that my intended actions on my healing journey could unintentionally hurt someone. Why did my husband have to be so wise? We spoke long on this topic, and I realised that no good could come from this. Imagine if this other person is not in the right place in their life, and I bring this memory upon them? No doubt I would hurt them. And often, this is where many of us contemplate hurting the ones that hurt us because we would like them to feel the pain and hurt we felt. You hurt me like this, and I need you to know what it feels like. Honestly, what good does that do? Not only does it cause further hurt and damage, but you become like the person who hurt you in the beginning. 

However it’s a different case and scenario when you are both in a the same place and are able to talk things through and both heal and recover from past pain. In my particular case, now is not a good time. And maybe years down the line we will be able to talk things through without causing further hurt and pain. But by then I would have processed my pain and dealt with it.

Process pain; don’t Project it!

This is a profound life lesson I must constantly remind myself of. When life throws challenges our way, whether related to finances, relationships, emotions, work or home life, we must be careful not to let our pain and frustrations spill onto those around us. Regrettably, it often ends up affecting our closest family members.

For instance, have you ever snapped or lashed out at someone, maybe even your child? It’s not that you’re angry with them, but you’re so overwhelmed by what’s going on that the people closest to you at that moment bear the brunt of your frustrations. And this is what my cousin shared with me in our conversation the other day. She mentioned that the family member that said those things to me years ago, must have been in a difficult place in their life. They may not have been happy and maybe even felt disappointed with themselves, and they took it out on me (please not that this is not to excuse ones actions or behaviour, its simply seeing things from a different perspective.)

Projecting your pain can happen unintentionally. Once you realise your mistake, you quickly apologise, saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lash out.” Then, you explain why you acted the way you did and that you didn’t mean it. Usually, the person forgives you, but now they begin to carry some pain, which they, too, will need to process. And so the cycle continues. Remember, process your pain, but don’t project it.

There are times when we intentionally lash out because, for so long, we have internalized our hurts and pains. And eventually, one day, we just snap, and it all comes out. Suddenly, things from months ago, or even years ago, are brought up, and the person on the receiving end is left speechless, wondering I never knew this is how you felt all this time. (This is common in relationships and marriages.)

It is important for us to process our pain. However, we should ensure we do not hurt others when we process our pain. It’s very easy to do so, and so take time, think things through, find someone to talk to. Next time we will look into the importance of finding someone to talk to. After all, we don’t want to hurt others and become like the person who hurt us in the first place.