Authentically Adele

Lately, losing my father has added a profound layer to how I view life. I’ve been deep soul-searching, trying to make sense of it all. I’ve looked closer at myself and the people around me during this journey. I’ve been conscious not to take things personally, especially as I navigate the rough terrain of grief.

A recent memory has haunted me: a conversation with a close family member. Their words weren’t shouted but left a lasting impact: “I don’t like you; I never have. I hate you. In fact, my mother doesn’t like you either.” I stood at a loss for words, struggling to contain my tears. I couldn’t recall what was said afterwards. I felt broken, unable to fathom that someone I loved harboured such disdain. With time, I forgave them for myself, a pivotal step in my healing.

Experiences with family hurt are highly personal; some have endured far more complex situations than mine. It’s easy for someone to say, “Adele, you need to move on; others have been through much worse.” But the truth is, we shouldn’t compare our pain to others. My experience might seem insignificant to you, but I’m still grappling with it. We’ve all experienced pain from family members, and many still need healing. While our emotions and challenges may manifest differently, common threads connect our experiences.

What puzzled me most was why this memory resurfaced so vividly during my time of mourning. I had assumed it was long forgotten and dealt with as it had occurred over 12 years ago. I tried to make sense of it all but grew weary of the endless back-and-forth in my mind. So, the other day, I decided to confide in my cousin, who shared some profound insights (which I’ll share later). I also asked my husband, “Why do words spoken over a decade ago still affect me so deeply when I’ve faced much worse? I’ve had those closest to me manipulate my faith and use it against me, yet I’ve managed to heal and move forward. So why does this specific incident remain so raw? Why do I still carry the weight of a conversation from 12 years ago?”

Some may argue that I haven’t truly forgiven the person. However, in my case, I know I had forgiven them.

So why do past hurts unexpectedly resurface in our present?

We’re taught to recognise our feelings and emotions in life. We know when we’re happy, angry, sad, excited, or depressed. But life has also taught us to move on from negative experiences and emotions to get over them quickly. While this approach may work temporarily, it doesn’t serve us well in the long run.

Present Pain Promotes Past Pain – I realised that the emotions I felt during the loss of my father are similar to the pain I felt in the moment of conversation. Shock, sadness, anger, tearfulness etc. This is why past pain resurfaced— I need to process those unresolved emotions. It’s a crucial step in healing, not just from family hurt but in life too.

Processing Pain

Rarely have we been taught to process our pain. Instead, we’ve been taught to identify, endure and move forward, beginning in childhood. Recall moments when, as a child, you were told that, “that is no reason for you to cry or get upset, so stop feeling sad or angry because it’s part of life.”

I recently watched my 3-year-old daughter experience disappointment. She lost a race to her older brother and said, “Mommy, I’m so sad.” I understood why and didn’t dismiss her feelings despite their seemingly small cause. Instead, I encouraged her to express her sadness. I told her it was okay to feel sad now, but processing and coping with that is essential so it doesn’t ruin her day. 

I couldn’t help but think of my past. Memories from over 12+ years ago suddenly surged back. I hadn’t processed my emotions then; I merely moved on.

Even the Bible allows us to feel our emotions but sets a time frame for processing them. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Even God acknowledges that we’ll experience moments of anger. He doesn’t tell us not to be angry; He allows us to feel this way in guidelines to further protect us and gives us a time frame to process it. Because the truth is, if we don’t process our feelings and emotions, it can lead to more significant problems. The consequences and aftermath can be devastating. This is why, even 12 years later, I still feel pain from family hurt.

I am sure while reading this, you have thought of moments in your life where you were forced to get over things and move on; it’s part of life, and you were never given a chance to process the pain (and in all honesty, we don’t really know how to). This is why, today, past pain keeps resurfacing. Those very emotions and feelings need to be processed. 

In our next part, we’ll explore processing pain, offering insights on navigating this critical phase. Know this: you’re not alone. Hope is on the horizon. Your past, your pain, and your present challenges cannot overshadow the healing, restoration, and recovery awaiting you. Take one step at a time; you will overcome. We are healing. Just as others have done before us and live to share their stories. We, too, will come through this and live to share our story. It may not be with the world, but it will be with someone who needs to hear it.